Parenting, step-parenting, and right thought

I have been a step-parent for about twelve years, and I’m also a mother, so I’ve had the chance to reflect on the differences between the two roles. I have encountered numerous frustrations with being a step-parent, and I have realized that in order to be comfortable in this role, you have to be okay with you first; or as I said it: “I have to be okay with me, and that’s very important.”

I say this because your step-children will be testing you from day one! As you encounter their teen years, there will be rebellion and contrary attitudes. Of course, your own birth children will also test you, and rebel when they are teens, but the step-children tend to use the “you’re not my Mom” approach and they may end up asking your spouse to take sides, or they may simply ignore your rules.

I have a friend who asked me, “Wow, you’ve got more experience than I do in parenting teens…what’s your advice for me? I have twins who are about to be teenagers!”

I told him, as I tell all of you, “You and your spouse have to be a united front when it comes to parenting decisions. If there is any division between you about how to parent your children, they will find it and use it against you! That means you actually have to have meetings with your spouse and talk about your differing parenting styles.” (How do you think I learned this? That’s right, because my husband and I have completely different parenting styles and the children saw it in our behavior–read in: bickering.)

So, why do I have to be okay with me? This phrase is something I learned from Bill Harris and the support materials that come with the Holosync CD meditation system. It implies self-forgiveness. Sure, I’ve messed up in the past. All I have is right now, and my best option for now is to be okay with myself as I am, so I can make the best decisions in regards to my children and step-children’s lives. My own guilt, fear, and negative reactions get in the way of effective parenting. Who knows, I may not even be very effective with my step-children, because they tend to come and go between their two parents, but in the long run, I hope that my “teaching by example” style will help them somehow.

When I’m stressed by the choices my children and step-children make, I say this prayer:

• God grant me right thought, right speech, and right action today.

When I’m calm, I say it like an affirmation:

• I demonstrate right thought, right speech, and right action.

And, of course, my time spent in meditation with the Holosync CD, linked above, helped me to “chill out” from my typical over-reactions to some of the distressing behaviors I noticed in the children. Now I lose my temper much less frequently than I did four years ago.

Here are some online resources to help step-parents with their blended families:

Blended Families

National Stepfamily Resource Center

A List of helpful links for stepfamilies