Living On Purpose

I went on an extemporaneous hike in the mountains today.  My friend called me up in the morning to see if I could tag along. It was a sunshine and rain experience, to be sure. Colorado weather can turn on a dime, especially in the mountains. Since I live in the suburbs and spend lots of time in the city, I love to get out to the countryside every once in a while. Doing so helps me remember that the whole world isn’t really one big city. I do recommend changing your scenery every so often so your mind can get a bit of a break from the normal problems it’s working on…then when you return home you have a fresh perspective on the same old problems. And if not, at least you have a new experience under your belt and a little break from the norm!

Later today I wanted to reward my four year old for behaving so well on the trip and then coming home and helping clean fingerprints from walls. Perhaps just a sticker would have sufficed. But I decided to go find him the hula hoop he asked for so nicely. In the store, he tested the hula hoop and became frustrated that he couldn’t do it the first time. He changed his mind and wanted something else. I suggested a jump rope. He’s never tried to jump rope before. Once we got it home he tried it and couldn’t do it. He melted into a quivering heap of tears. The rope came with a jacks set and I taught him how to bounce the ball and pick up one jack at a time. He was also very frustrated with that. Whoops, the packaging said for five years old and up. He had an emotional meltdown because he couldn’t do these two new things right away.  Oh, how the family tried to convince him that practice makes perfect. He would hear none of it and insist rather that we throw away the toys.  We told him the story of how he took many weeks to learn how to arm-fart…you know, that trick where children stick one hand under their armpit and flap their arm to make that ‘froggy’ sound. He’s very proud of this skill; he likes to show it off to anyone who will listen. But, no, he’d rather just instantly grow up or else throw away the toys he can’t use perfectly.

I gave him lots of empathy while he was upset. This is so important for children; to know adults care about their feelings and actually feel for them. In this instance, a rational approach simply wouldn’t work on a four year old. The best thing I could do was to say, “aaaaaw, you look so frustrated. How do you feel?” This opened up a new conversation where he revealed he’d like to simply skip the painful growing up process and turn grown-up right now. Wouldn’t we all like that?

Aaaah, to skip all the painful parts of maturing! Heaven? Not quite. It’s how we respond to adversity that makes our character. Building character takes practice, like all things. These are painful words for a juvenile mind. Deep sigh, we’ll try again tomorrow or the next day.

I’d like to thank Mary Kay of Spa for Your Soul Coaching for yesterday’s chat. We discussed issues related to parenting and step-parenting. I’ve been a step-parent for about fourteen years. Mary Kay is an encouraging spirit and we found ourselves talking about many topics. When I shared my story-saga of step-parenting she suggested I have something that others in my position don’t: experience in what works and what doesn’t work. She shone a light in a direction I’d never looked by suggesting that novice step-parents may like to hear my story. I’ll take that advice to heart, Mary Kay. She put it like this: “Make your mess the message,” meaning that while my learning curve may be sloppy and I may have made some mistakes with my parenting decisions, I still have something to offer to first time step parents.

One topic we covered was the obvious issue about what defines family. One of my stepsons went through a phase where he insisted I wasn’t family to him, even though I’d been step-parenting him well over a decade.  He was a young teen and quite impulsive.  Mary Kay’s intuitive comment on that: “It is much easier for him to hurt you by lashing out than to feel his own pain.” Teens go the path of least resistance. A wise step parent will see this and take a step back rather than engage in a verbal battle over who is family to whom.

Mary Kay’s Spa For Your Soul main site Bringing calm and comfort to Mom’s busy life. Take a look around! She has a 5-day e-course, a blog, and a coaching business targeted to moms. Remember, moms, self-care is very important to your well being and the well being of your whole family! I found that out yesterday. That one hour chat with a coach was self care time for ME, and Mary Kay urged me to give myself credit for everything I’ve accomplished during my story-saga of step-parenting. Aaah, I pat me on the back.

Purposeful parenting doesn’t mean you have to be a perfect parent. It means you gather knowledge about best practices and do the best you can with what resources you have.

I’ve been thinking about all the things the American public school system does not teach my sons. Public school can teach our children how to add and divide, how to read and write. But unless your child hit the proverbial lottery by being assigned a fantastic caring teacher, public school doesn’t teach your children about making smart life decisions.

I want my sons to know how to choose food based on its nutritional value, not by which animated character endorses it. I want my sons to know how to reflect on their values and know how to tell what they really like to do just because it brings them joy, not because their friends badgered them into it. I want them to know what to do with their anger when it arises so they may be able to transmute it into creative energy for problem solving. I want them to spend their lives making sure their hearts are coherent.

My older son is smack in the middle of middle school. He’s right at the stage where the preteen morphs into the teenager and begins pulling away from Mom & Dad. If I haven’t done my job correctly by now, there’s no stopping him from doing what he wants. But I think I’ve done well. I’ve told him how I measure his progress; that even though I care deeply that he does well academically, I care more that he develops a good and caring character.

Do your sons and daughters know what you value most in their development? Make sure you tell them, or else they will guess.

Parenting can be stressful for parents of children of any age.  When both parents keep educated on what to do in certain typical situations, they strenghten their relationship with each other and with their children. This is purposeful parenting.

I have two resources to share to help parents of younger to school-age children.

Dr. Robyn http://drrobyn.wordpress.com/
Dr. Robyn Silverman has a “POWerful Words” system to share with parents and educators. She shares helpful tips using video blog posts and has a newsletter and a coaching service. I found her site while searching for information on nutrition and children. She is an advocate of reducing sugar intake and offering healthy choices for best mood support. Her web site is a wealth of information on all topics related to parenting.

Gem Parenting http://www.gemparenting.com/
Grace Mauzy, M.A., Founder of GEM Parenting, is a parenting coach who teaches parents about intervention and natural self-esteem methods that make raising children less confusing and stressful; and that make children behave better. She has free advice newsletters, a Gem Parenting blog, and a podcast on all topics related to parenting.

Living a purposeful life has a lot to do with decision making skills. We are where we are right now because of our past decisions. Therefore, why leave this area of your life or your children’s lives to chance? School systems may carry one or two courses in critical thinking, and if a student is lucky, he will come across a teacher who can develop critical thinking in his students naturally.

If no attention is placed on a student’s method of reaching conclusions and making decisions, “he may use words and ideas, but not know how to think ideas through, and internalize foundational meanings.  He may take classes but cannot make connections between the logic of a discipline and what is important in life. Even the best students often have these deficiencies.” quote from Critical thinking.org

“Critical thinking is important, because it enables one to analyze, evaluate, explain, and restructure our thinking, decreasing thereby the risk of acting on, or thinking with, a false premise.” quote from Wikipedia

Critical Thinking Community. This resource offers plenty of books to buy for home study, from elementary to college level.

Critical Thinking essay at Wikipedia.

Critical Thinking on the Web. This is a huge directory of resources for developing critical thinking and logic skills.

Critical Reading This is a list of ways to tell if your student is a critical thinker.

Developing this skill takes some time and attention. I don’t think I’m going to leave it up to the public schools to turn my middle school student into a critical thinker – I’d rather supplement his education on my own. Some moms decide to homeschool, and there are plenty of resources online to help you develop thinking skills in your student.  I learned from Charles Fay, of the Love and Logic Institute, that a great way to respond to your children is to ask, “and how would that work out?” Then leave it up to the child to answer. This forces thinking about differing outcomes for the same event. Here are some other ideas from the Love and Logic Institute:

• Hope they make a poor decision. Children learn to make good choices by making poor ones and experiencing the consequences.
• Let empathy and logical consequences do the teaching. Empathy is the key! By being sad for our kids rather than being angry at them, they are allowed to focus on their poor choice rather than our anger.

This brings up a good point in reference to purposeful parenting. When our children make choices based on whether Mom or Dad will be angry, they are missing valuable chances to learn how to think critically. If anger is the motivating factor in any relationship, the communication suffers on both sides. So parents, think again before saying things like “just wait till your father gets home.” “Don’t make me angry!” and “If you do that, I’ll be so angry with you.”

Try to turn it around like this: “are you ready for the consequences?”, “I’m so sad you decided to do that, because now you will have consequences,” and “how will that work out for you?”

Try delving further with some of the resource links above for more information.

I have been a step-parent for about twelve years, and I’m also a mother, so I’ve had the chance to reflect on the differences between the two roles. I have encountered numerous frustrations with being a step-parent, and I have realized that in order to be comfortable in this role, you have to be okay with you first; or as I said it: “I have to be okay with me, and that’s very important.”

I say this because your step-children will be testing you from day one! As you encounter their teen years, there will be rebellion and contrary attitudes. Of course, your own birth children will also test you, and rebel when they are teens, but the step-children tend to use the “you’re not my Mom” approach and they may end up asking your spouse to take sides, or they may simply ignore your rules.

I have a friend who asked me, “Wow, you’ve got more experience than I do in parenting teens…what’s your advice for me? I have twins who are about to be teenagers!”

I told him, as I tell all of you, “You and your spouse have to be a united front when it comes to parenting decisions. If there is any division between you about how to parent your children, they will find it and use it against you! That means you actually have to have meetings with your spouse and talk about your differing parenting styles.” (How do you think I learned this? That’s right, because my husband and I have completely different parenting styles and the children saw it in our behavior–read in: bickering.)

So, why do I have to be okay with me? This phrase is something I learned from Bill Harris and the support materials that come with the Holosync CD meditation system. It implies self-forgiveness. Sure, I’ve messed up in the past. All I have is right now, and my best option for now is to be okay with myself as I am, so I can make the best decisions in regards to my children and step-children’s lives. My own guilt, fear, and negative reactions get in the way of effective parenting. Who knows, I may not even be very effective with my step-children, because they tend to come and go between their two parents, but in the long run, I hope that my “teaching by example” style will help them somehow.

When I’m stressed by the choices my children and step-children make, I say this prayer:

• God grant me right thought, right speech, and right action today.

When I’m calm, I say it like an affirmation:

• I demonstrate right thought, right speech, and right action.

And, of course, my time spent in meditation with the Holosync CD, linked above, helped me to “chill out” from my typical over-reactions to some of the distressing behaviors I noticed in the children. Now I lose my temper much less frequently than I did four years ago.

Here are some online resources to help step-parents with their blended families:

Blended Families

National Stepfamily Resource Center

A List of helpful links for stepfamilies

Live on Purpose offers a monthly newsletter. To subscribe or to see past issues online, see our Newsletter page.

Today I searched for resources for you about purposeful parenting. Bringing awareness to parenting is a great gift for the child, and a big responsibility for the parent. Resources abound if you search for them.

Dr. Phil has written an article about purposeful parenting. He says, “One of the great responsibilities you have as a parent — and one of the greatest gifts you can give to your children — is to teach them to develop their gifts fully to build their lives around whatever it is that fulfills them.”

July will be purposeful parenting month at onlineorganizing.com. Of course, with a name like that, they suggest routines and schedules.

My favorite resource for positive parenting is the Love and Logic Institute. Their tagline is, “Kids don’t come with an owners manual; but I found one, it’s love and logic.” Check out their articles online, their online radio show, and see if you can find their books in your local library. This is a life changing decision if you are currently having power struggles with your children. You’ll learn a lot about how to become more effective as a parent, and thereby raising your happiness level with your relationships with your children.